I was and still am very unsure whether to post this blog. I still may regret it. I have always understood myself as strong male working-class urban solder normally ready for the conflict of the day. I used to say to my congregation occasionally if you knew me when I was 21 you would not like me. In my youth I was one half of the union rep who would go and bang on the managers desk for what seemed at the time important and usually unjust reasons. I once remember going to my manager and he giving bad news, my response was to say ‘that’s not fair!’ His response - ‘Who told you life was fair?’ I say this as a short introduction to my character. I am not like John the Beloved, quiet and reflective (but that is changing). I am more like Peter; impetuous, verbal, quick to promise, quick to react, but passionate for the cause.
But there is a cost to being passionate and outspoken. The flip side for me is darkness and depression. Rejection of something you believe in your very core does not come easily to me. I am better at coping now, otherwise Christ would have not done any work in me. Believe me he has worked overtime by his Holy Spirit and carried out a lot of work in me, and it also seems there is much more to do. I am like one of those old car projects that never seem to finish.
Some years ago I had my first encounter with depression; well I called it blueness because I am a strong bolshie, working class man. Depression is for those I spend time with, listening and trying to help a little. I was persuaded (or forced) to seek help which I believed to be ridiculous - but when you are under orders! I spent a year talking and being listened to by a lovely woman. We called it counseling, she was amazing, and I found it transformative.
Ten years on I believed that dark part of me had be put to rest, healed, talked out, as Churchill saw depression, I thought the black dog was gone. During this year in South Africa I have had some of my darkest moments, (if only they were moments!) Now is not the place to try and identify the cause. But a short reflection might help and remember that at my core I am a mechanic and not a doctor. In the darkness I realized how important purpose of life is, and when most of that purpose disappears there is a void and something else fills it; self-doubt, negativity, lack of self-worth and God’s silence. In those dark periods for me, what also came into clarity was, who is important to me? And who keeps me well?
I know at this point we should move to the sentence which says something like through all my darkness God has been my rock. But I cannot say that. Erin guided me out of the darkness, but I think God sent Erin and she was obedient.
I honestly believed after reading Merton, St Teresa, Ignatius, Willard, Rowan Williams, Nouwen, Kempis and Eckhart. I would be better equipped to face the darkness more strongly. I thought by now I was a well-formed resilient Christian, a mature working-class man. But at 62 years old (35 of them in some sort of Christian service) I find myself on my first experience of antidepressants, supported by a great doctor. I do not reveal this with ease, it makes me feel weak and I know deep down I should not feel weak or defeated. When I look at what some of the people we meet in Mozambique or Msholozi sometimes I feel self-indulgent.
I am not sure why I share this? Maybe the few who read this blog think everything in my life is just amazing? Most of the time it very good and I hope my stories reflect that. But I feel that if I did not share my struggles with you, I am not being honest.
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